It’s been just a few days shy of a month that Jax and I moved back to the coldddd bay area.
Much colder than San Diego, though not by much since San Diego is experiencing the same cold spell that we are here. Is it strange that I find myself enjoying the cold weather? I found the heat in SD to be causing issues for my health, especially with prolonged months over 80F with no central air conditioning. After a year of that, I had enough.
Still, I miss those walks on the beach and a stop at my favorite coffee spot.
Have you ever felt like something is missing from your life but you don’t know what because life already feels complete?
In the months leading up this move, I had contemplated moving back numerous times. I never really understood why. Although I missed my family, it wasn’t enough to trigger a move.
In the six weeks leading up to my decision to move back, something pretty miraculous happened. I had four different people from my past reach out to me, apologizing for how they treated me. Each of them had either been cruel or cut me out of their life for no reason. Their reaching out didn’t surprise me because it was on the heals of a cord cutting ceremony and truly forgiving and releasing them all from my peace. In other words, I had made peace with it. People can sense the energy concluding and it usually inspires them to reach out. Some of them i’ll teach in touch with and some I won’t. Either way, I am happy.
That’s when I realized that my time in San Diego was coming to an end, at least for now. It was a healing place, a sanctuary that let me start over after a tumultuous two year period in 2015-2017 that left me feeling empty. It’s no coincidence that I adopted Jax one month before I moved. The Universe sent me a sidekick for the journey to release my fears, re-discover my power, learn more about myself and to heal.
I have made deep progress on this healing journey. When I moved to San Diego, I was one year fresh from a sexual assault, and 1.5 years out of a broken engagement with a person that was still up-and-down as to whether he wanted be together up until the DAY I left for San Diego. It was frustrating, exhausting and time for me to get away.
I needed a fresh start and a new beginning. When I moved, I only had one old friend that lived about an hour away but it was a start and someone I trust implicitly.
With a lot of time on my hands, I threw myself into my work. The two year period from 2017-2018 tested my grit, my ability to take responsibility and my patience. It was during this time that I discovered who I was as a business owner and what I am capable of. Although I did well, I found I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing. I still struggled to let go.
When 2019 rolled around, things became more clear. I was in meditation one morning when a word came to me. It was PTSD.
“Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. Source.
I don’t mean this as an insult to anyone diagnosed and suffering from PTSD. But this is the closest I can identify with the feelings that have plagued me as a business owner. My own business was causing feelings of extreme anxiety, fear and depression. I found the experiencing of working at home, alone to be just that… isolating. No amount of Fb lives, IG stories and “sharing” via post on FB would change that. The more I tried to grow an online business, I felt worse and got sicker.
Mid-2019 I found myself feeling depressed, angry and sad. Again, I was ready to throw in the towel and leave it all behind. I was experiencing severe anxiety, depression, fear, stress, heart palpitations and I was blacking out more often (low blood pressure and low blood sugar) — finding myself in the middle of the road on the floor not knowing how I got there. It was a terrifying wakeup call that left me questioning if what I had built was taking more than it was giving.
I have worked as a healer for 5.5 years, and i’ve loved every minute of my time supporting others. And I wish I had supported myself half as well as I supported others during my own challenging transitions. Like many empaths, I gave too much and I ended up giving all of myself.
By mid-September, I made a very important decision I had been putting off for a long time. I decided to return to the corporate workforce full time. This was a difficult decision that I pondered for 6 months.
I felt I was giving up, abandoning my business, letting my clients and students down. Imposter syndrome really came through loud and clear. The self-doubt was at an all time high.
Ultimately, I chose to start helping myself. For five and a half years my focus has been on others and never myself.
I found myself feeling creatively blocked, uninspired and tired. The artist in me was begging for an outlet. The dancer in me crying out for some time and space to just be free.
My first month at work has been an adjustment, but I can’t even begin to tell you how good it feels to not be worried about needing to launch something in order to pay my bills for the month. I am still seeing clients and teaching my students, but the energy feels lighter and more open.
Self care is taking care of business. It’s not always bubble baths and massage days. It’s saying, “This is what I need and this is what i’m going to do about it” and doing it. To someone on the outside, it might look like I have failed as a business owner. And I can understand that point of view. It is the reason it took me a month to write this — I felt it myself.
As I reflect on it now, I feel like i’ve made space for something amazing to come through. I am feeling more like myself than I have in a long long time. I can sense a small part of me that went dormant a long time ago, re-awakening and feeling inspired. My local naturopathic doctors have taken me back on to help me re-set my body and I am feeling more confident that the next few months of my life are all about new beginnings and strong foundations.
The Felicia that you all have known is still here, but she is now the strong spiritual foundation that the Felicia that I knew long ago needed in order to truly thrive.
I guess in a way I felt like my Spirituality suppressed my Sexuality and i’ve been operating in this dormant state of my full potential since 2015. It was a time that I allowed others to determine my worth. My time in San Diego helped me realize who I am and what I deserve. We all have needs and this next phase of my journey will be honoring my needs and asking for them - or providing them for myself.
Thank you for listening and I’ll see you on the other side.
